Friday, January 30, 2015

Time to Find a Better Hiding Spot

January Funny Friday

Today’s post is this month’s Funny Friday, a regular feature published on the last Friday of every month. Funny Friday is a collaborative project. Each month one of the participants submits a picture, then we all write 5 captions or thoughts inspired by that month’s picture. Links to the other bloggers’ posts are below, click on them and see what they’ve come up with. I hope we bring a smile to your face as you start your weekend.

Funny Friday  150 X 150.jpg

Here’s today’s picture. It was submitted by Baking In A Tornado.

12 - Baking In A Tornado.JPG

1. Camouflage Level: Mediocre.

2. This is what happens when your kid REALLY doesn't want a picture taken.

3. In lieu of blankets, a large amount of pillows may suffice in a pinch.

4. No judgement - as long as you're comfortable.

5. If my kids did this, I'd still sit on the couch. Right on top. Like a boss.

Click on the links below and let some other bloggers make you smile:

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy

Friday, January 23, 2015

Attracting Flies and Sociopaths

God in His wisdom made the fly and then forgot to tell us why. - Ogden Nash "The Fly"
It is Fly on the Wall day!  Come on in, wipe your feet, and make yourself comfortable.  I'm here to dish out the dirt, along with 13 other bloggers.  At the end of the post, you will find links to them, so make sure to visit.  You won't be disappointed!

*phone rings*
This message is intended only for “Robin A—”.  If you are “Robin A—”, please press one now.
*press one*
Thank you for connecting with us!  Please hold…
No.  I will not hold, because you called me.  Ass.

Around Halloween, we had a bit of drama touch our lives.  We have a tween girl, so it was inevitable.  Quesadilla always tries to make sure I meet her friends.  A— was no exception.  She seemed a sweet girl and I had no problem with my daughter spending time with her.
One afternoon, Q was spending time over at A—‘s house.  She left when it was getting close to curfew, but when she got home A— was already on the phone, accusing my daughter of egging her house.  There was a lot of back and forth, with all accusations and no questions.  A— assumed Q had egged her house because she had left the house without telling anyone and it happened shortly thereafter.  The whole thing became harassing, so I got involved, then A—‘s parents.  Needless to say I wasn’t going to allow Q to spend time with A—, even when she “apologized” and said she still wanted to be friends - basically acting like the whole thing had never happened.
After some time, they found the true culprit, but I still won’t let Q go over to A—‘s house. 
We had all forgotten it over the past month or so until…
Q (speaking into her phone – looking up a word): Sociopath
Phone: *Calling A—*
Me: *bursting out laughing* Well, that was appropriate.
The only reason Febreze is used in this house it to combat the seemingly constant barrage of farts that escape from the recesses of the collective asses I share a home with.
Bigfoot walked into the kitchen and dropped a couple bombs.
After some confusion as to who did it and much laughter (really, when are farts not funny?), B comes to the end of the couch I was sitting on, not paying attention.
When he looked up, I had the Febreze aimed at his face and pulled the trigger.
While he wasn’t upset at the jest that his lack of showering was the motive behind making him smell pretty, he flips out because the spray covered his tablet.
Me: Boo hoo.  That’s what the rags I gave you are for!
B: But I don’t want to get my rag.
*snort* Neither do I, kid.

I’m sitting there, watching The Santa Clause and reading December’s Fly on the Wall posts, when out of the corner of my eye, Little Sasquatch is taking his pants off.
Me: Oh my god!  Put your pants back on!  What are you doing!?
LS: Awwww.  Why?
Seriously?  I think I have a future streaker in the house… or nudist.

We had our first late night homework session with Bigfoot.  He’s been having trouble adjusting to junior high and the multitude of classes, so there are a couple classes he’s not doing so well in.  He had two assignments due a while back and he didn’t do them, so his teacher gave him assignments to replace them.
I picked him up from the bus stop.
B: Oh, and Mom?  You will probably be getting a call from the principal tomorrow.
Me: Why?
B: Teacher gave those of us who didn't finish the projects an alternate project, and said if it wasn't turned in tomorrow, she was going to send us to the principal’s office.  I’m scared to go to the principal’s office!
Me: Honey, it is a scare tactic.  Your teacher might very well send you to the office and make you call home, but it’s more to scare you into actually doing your homework.
We get home and after he eats, we set him up on a computer and he’s off to work.  Every so often he looks up and states that he is tired, he hates writing papers, and it is so booooring. 
We know kid.  If you had done the original project, you wouldn't be in this position!

Little Sasquatch came downstairs in his underoos and socks, slides across the carpet and says:
“I’m a Canadian!” and sits down.  I think I need to stop making that joke about Canadians and socks…

Friday, January 16, 2015

Blood Drops

A blazing ball of fire hung inches above clouds of coral along the North Pacific horizon.  Most April tourists had returned to the city to eat and take in a show before retiring to hotel rooms, in all their sunburned glory, washing away sand and sea from unmentionable places and pouring themselves into bed.  The beach was given over to romance, the air lingering with the day’s warmth.

Together a couple sat on a blanket laid on the white beach, the Hualālai Resort spread out behind them, nothing but clear water and endless colored sky ahead.  Gary was lying beside a nubile goddess, his girlfriend, Hailey, a tidy picnic of fresh papaya, light wheat crackers, and Roquefort cheese, shipped directly from the source in Southern France especially for this occasion.  A bottle of Riesling was chilling next to two wine glasses, reflecting the purple, pink, and orange of the setting sun.  It was perfect.

Hailey was staring out across the ocean, her eyes the color of the tide, thoughtful.  Gazing admiringly at her toned body, fitted nicely into a soft yellow string bikini, he asked, “What are you thinking about, Sugar Lips?”

With an audible sigh she said, “I’m worried about you, Big Daddy.” She looked at him, tears brimming her eyes.  “You having to be on medication.  It’s scary.  I don’t know what I’d do without you!”  Gently placing his face in her soft hands, she continued.  “Are you taking your anticoagulant?”

“Of course,” he said.  “You worry too much, love.”

“We don’t want your little eye problem to become an even bigger problem,” she chided.  “The doctor said…”

“I know what the doctor said, Hailey.  No need to get yourself worked up,” he said.  “I’m just glad he cleared me to fly, otherwise this might have gone differently.”

Confused, Hailey looked at him, searching his amber eyes as he reached behind his back and produced a tiny blue box.  Her face lit up with anticipation.   Gary rolled up onto one knee.

“I love you, Hailey. I can’t remember a time when I didn't.  We have so many memories together and I want to keep creating more.  Let’s grow old together.  Complete me by saying yes to the rest of our lives.”  He opened the box, revealing a simple platinum band, a cathedral pear cut halo diamond – ice blue, and exactly what she asked for.

She squealed, bouncing on her knees delightedly.  “Yes! Yes, yes, yes!  Let’s get married,” she said.  He placed the ring on her finger and she threw her arms around his neck.  As he breathed in her heady scent of vanilla and coconut sun lotion, content in their embrace, she sighed, rolling her eyes then admiring the 3 carat diamond, letting it catch the fading light.  It looked like a glistening crocodile tear.

The next day the couple took the long flight back to the mainland.  Gary hid the pain of his growing headache behind an interested smile and listening ear as Hailey spoke incessantly about the engagement party.  It had to be the party of the season.

Nighttime on Lake Tahoe bloomed with the fragrance of imported lilies and orchids, a multitude of fireflies competing with the soft glow from hundreds of white paper lanterns and twinkle lights hung from the surrounding trees and topiaries.  A dozen tables clad with white linen and lace held their own with flickering candlelight.  A stage was set facing the tables, where a twelve piece string orchestra was playing melodies from many decades past.  The hum of conversation floated through the night as Gary and Hailey mingled with their friends and family, spreading jubilation with each new guest.

Searching out a group of well-coiffed ladies, Hailey couldn't help but brag.  “Isn't it just perfect?  The fireflies are just glorious!”

As a group, the ladies nodded and murmured their approval.  One spoke to Hailey.  “Speaking of glorious, where ever did you find that dress?  It’s simple stunning!”

Hailey sashayed for a moment, showing off the vintage-inspired, slim fitting dress.  It was a strapless with a sweetheart neckline featuring metallic fringe at the bodice and layers of cascading feathers, fluttering around mid-thigh.  “Do you like it?  It’s new!”  She knew they were seeing the green of jealousy and dollar signs – exactly what she expected.  Envy and awe.

There was slight feedback from the microphone at center stage as Gary stood up and tapped on it.  All eyes turned to him.  “Ahem.  Ladies, gentlemen.  I’m not usually one for speeches and I know we have yet to break out the bubbly, but I wanted to say how amazing you all are.  We are lucky to be surrounded by the people we love, our friends and family,” he said.  “Now let’s pop the cork on that Dom Pérignon!”

Cheers and laughter came from the crowd now gathered in front of the stage.  In an attempt to show off, Gary shakes the toasting bottle before trying the cork.  From the back of the gathering a man shouts, “Duck!” to the amusement of everyone.  The cork stubbornly stayed put.  Gary shook it one more time and tried it again.  Still the cork wouldn't budge.  He looked down on it curiously, the horde chuckling awkwardly.

A small pop sounded and all eyes turned to Gary expectantly.  Everything went in slow motion.  A scream came from somewhere close and echoed in the night.  The cork, finally free from the bottle, had ruptured his eye and lodged itself in the socket, which was starting to trickle blood on his ashen face and crisp white shirt.  The blood clot previously occluding the retinal artery broke loose, forcing its way into the carotid.  The clot took a fast track to his brain, causing an unknown aneurysm to burst, creating an intracranial hemorrhage and pressure.  Blood started dripping from his nose and leaking from his ears as he collapsed.  He struggled for breath as his brain shut down, blood spreading around his head.

Hailey had rushed to his side when she heard the scream.  Standing over Gary, head tilted in contemplation, his blood pooling at her feet.  “That’s too bad,” she said tonelessly.  “Teal and crimson are a terrible color palette.”  As she walked away, the six-inch heels on her genuine leather, ultramarine rhinestone shoes left drops of blood on the otherwise pristine stage.

It's Friday, so ...  Blogging Challenge!  This week is Use Your Words, where participating bloggers pick 4 - 6 words or short phrases for someone else to use in a post.  The blogger must use each word/phrase at least once and each post will be unique, as each blogger gets their own set of words.  

Here's the twist: no one knows who got their words, until now.  Make sure you stop over and visit the other blogs featuring this challenge!

My words werenew, old, teal, dollar, pop the cork, duck
Submitted by: The Bergham's Life Chronicles (Thanks, Jules!)

Disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Blood Drops ©Robin Allen 2015

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

DIY Charmed Globe Necklace + Link Up!

Is it cold where you are?  We literally had a white Christmas here in Northern Utah.  Did not snow all season until Christmas Day.

What better time for the Brrrrr Brigade to bring you a bunch of projects to warm you up!  Read on, then visit my friends.  Or you can stay and we'll snuggle!  Your call.

My project may not seem like it will warm you up, but it sure got my blood boiling during the creation process.  I should start a series called My Misadventures in Craft-Making.  No, seriously - I could.  Would, except I'm holding out hope for the next one going as planned.  Should-ah, could-ah, would-ah. 

Pfft.  Where's the fun in that?  Planning is over-rated.  As they say: the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. 

The idea began over at Flamingo Toes.  You can see the intended project here

One would think, during the lengthy span of Christmas commercialism, a bottle brush tree of any height would be easy to find.  Apparently not, in my case.  So I adapted... somewhat successfully. 

Here's what I used (per necklace):
  • 1 Small Clear Glass Globe necklace kit (like this one)
  • 1 Sterling silver letter charm (found at Michaels - in store)
  • E6000 Craft Adhesive - the craft equivalent of super glue
  • Needle-Nose pliers (or an equivalent)
  • a disposable wooden skewer (like the ones for shish kabobs)

You may be asking yourself, why Sterling silver when the rest is an Antique Bronze finish

Because they didn't have bronze letter charms at the store, that's why!  Well, they might have, but sometimes you just want to get in, get out, and get on your way - like I did.  By the time I landed on these charms, I had exhausted all options in my area.

I mean, they say that size doesn't matter, but when you're looking for something that is less than an inch in total height, I beg to differ.  It is surprisingly difficult to find things that small.

Notice the glitter in this picture?  Notice how it's not on the list of items needed?  There's a reason.

The plan was snow globes.  I had the snow and the globes, but they did not want to cooperate.  While I found these little globes capable of holding water, the glitter clumped and the glue weakened.  Fail.

*sad face*

Using the skewer (because that's the only way I know of to get the glue in there), put a dab of E6000 centered at the top, inside the globe.  You will also want to put a dab on the top of the charm - whichever part is going to be attached to the top.  I recommend doing that after you've positioned the charm in the pliers, otherwise it could get messy.  

If you read the directions on E6000, it recommends having glue on both items being glued together.  Then set your timer, because they also recommend waiting two minutes of letting it cure before attempting the union.  I can say from personal experience that this is mandatory;  I couldn't get things to stay stuck otherwise!

For best results with E6000, allow 24 hours for the glue to cure entirely.  If things don't go as planned, I cleaned the globes out with a simple disinfecting wipe and dried with a paper towel before attempting again.

Also, I had to re-stick both charms at least twice.  If 'mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom'*, I should be brilliant by now! 

After attaching the connector loop (that's the longer one) to the cap and loop (that's what's on top of the globe), I put a little glue centered on top of the globe and inside the cap.  Wait the recommended 2 minutes, allow to cure 24 hours, then attach the necklace.

Using the skewer again, dab glue around the inside of the base, then insert the globe.  Here is the only time I didn't add glue to both items.  Again, 24 hours.  Wipe away any blood, sweat, and tears, then...

Voilà!  Charmed Globe necklace and you did it yourself.  Wearable art = awesome!!  

Beat the Winter Blues with Essential Oils to Boost Your Mood from Lydia:

Show some love for Eileen's I love Minions! crocheted hat:

From Karen, Spiked Raspberry Cocoa with Orange Whipped Cream - enjoy responsibly!

Snuggle up under your favorite blanket for Story Time with Sarah:

Stay warm, friends! And don't forget to link up!

*quote by Phyllis Theroux

Friday, January 9, 2015

Snow: the Other Wet Stuff

I'm back, back in the Friday groove!  Did you miss me?

It's Secret Subject Swap day!  That means, while I'm pouring over my subject, 13 other bloggers are doing the same.  Who gets which is a mystery...

Until now.

At the end of this post is a list of other bloggers featuring this challenge - click over and see what's up!

My subject is: You wake up and your area has been hit by a blizzard, how will you handle it and what will you do?
Submitted by: Spatulas on Parade (thanks, Dawn!)

First, one must define "blizzard".
noun: blizzard; plural noun: blizzards
  1. a severe snowstorm with high winds and low visibility.
    synonyms:snowstorm, whiteout, snow, squall, snowfall; 
    nor'easter, northeaster
Second, it is relative to mention, although I am a current resident of Utah aka: the greatest snow on Earth for you tourists, but I'm not a native.  I was born and raised in Washington State, where the snow may fall, but lacks in bulk concentration (at least in the city I lived).  

Either way, I have plenty of snow-related stories, some of which I thought I'd share, blizzard or no.
Growing up I lived in a cul-de-sac on top of a pretty steep hill.  On the off chance it did snow, if you didn't have a decent car, you weren't making it to the top.  But it was great for sledding, even if you had no sled.  

Someone would stand at the bottom of the hill to watch for cross traffic, which wasn't much, but better safe than sorry.  If the street had actual snow on it, the neighborhood kids would zip down and make the rough climb back up, then do it over and over.  If there was naught but ice, you could slide down the hill on the seat of your snowsuit - you know, back in the day when kids still wore those.

One year I went to slide down and accidentally kicked a neighbor boy in the face.  Left a boot print and everything!  My mother made me go over to his house and apologize and his mother invited me in for hot cocoa.  

Ah, to be a kid again!  I miss all those snow days.  Up there, if it snowed an inch, they cancelled school.  We aren't so lucky down here.
I went to boarding school here in Utah.  A nice little school nestle deep in a valley, flanked by the Wasatch Mountain Range on one side, Manti-La Sal National Forest on the other.  When we got hit by snow, it was an event - which was all winter long.

I did say I missed snow days.  We didn't have the luxury, since we lived on school grounds.

One year it snowed so bad we trudged between buildings in feet of snow, not able to see right in front of you.  Other students would be practically on top of you before you knew they were there.  Walking was a chore, being pushed from the side, front, and back all at once; snow whipped into the eyes.  Crazy, especially when you only weigh 105 pounds...

I guess that would qualify as a blizzard, come to think of it!  And still, no snow days. 
One more and then I'm done.

 During my pregnancy with Little Sasquatch, we went up to visit my parents for Christmas.  I do love spending time in my childhood home.  At the time, our car was an old Volvo station wagon and we drove it all the way to Washington and back.

Our trunk was filled with all the Christmas goodies, including toys for the kids.  About halfway through the mountains, we heard this sound... a siren.  We looked frantically for the vehicle attached to it, but the roads were clear.  It literally took as an hour until we finally realized it was coming from a toy firetruck, explaining why the sound was always behind us!

We made it through the mountains, through the flat north lands, and into the trailer park where we lived.  The driveway was a straight shot down the road and into our carport, but no one had shoveled while we were gone and there was a good three feet of snow blocking us.  Being me, I looked at The Big Guy and said, "Go for it.  We can make it!"  Though he looked dubious, he gunned it... but we didn't make it. 

We got stuck in the driveway with no way out of the car, as the snow was pushing in from all sides.  Then I remembered - the sun roof!  So I climbed out of the car through the roof, after which The Big Guy handed me Bigfoot and Quesadilla (formerly Little Miss Sassy Pants).  He then had to stay in the car to close the sun roof and muscle his way out of the car to come inside.

The lesson here: unless you're driving a snowplow, don't attempt to make it through three feet of snow to get to the other side.